What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 01:18
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I think the readers, may guess!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
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As i do to all so called friends.?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Why did Britain steal Gibraltar from Spain?
Comes on , in middle age.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
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I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
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This is how, and why children get BPD.
I was scared of men, in general
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
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Why did i forgive my father ?
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
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We were not on the streets..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
(And it was in our own minds.)
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
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So whats the point in blame.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Would this be the day?
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She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
This is soul school!.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Put me off passion for life!!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She found it foreign!.
She was in good health!
She married twice! .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I have no regrets .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I never cut or harmed myself..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I will be 64.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He knew the spot.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
One cannot live in the past .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
All the time i was locked up.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But it wasn’t much.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She loved him until the end.
When she asked me how she looked .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Who then, do I blame.?
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
What did i know ?
I could never make a relationship work though!
I was seconnd youngest,
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
But, we were locked up after school.
We all went to grammer schools
And who doesn’t know suffering?
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
My life is so biszare .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I couldn’t, believe it.
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I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I waited trembling.
It was going to be , some day.
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Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Ive learnt so much.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I write beautiful poetry .
I don,t even have a pension.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
So, i spoilt her more .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Im still living with it.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
And i lived it daily.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I was very sick at this time too.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She wouldn,t have been !
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I was 9 years of age.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I said to her
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Was to survive, this bastard.
My family never makes their pension either.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He resisted the act ,that day.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.